Tonight I am weary, tonight I am worn.
Tonight the tears are a stinging reminder I am not strong enough.
We had our follow up today and it really wasn't that bad. His ANC was 300, so still in the "severely neutropenic" category but I expect no less. I have come to terms with his neutropenia. I can handle the fact he is immune compromised and I need to be careful. I have a new thermometer that scans his forehead and I can check it multiple times a day. I can wash my hands and prevent people from coming over. I can tangibly manage his neutropenia.
However, his weight is a battle that is simply wearing me down. He lost three ounces since our last weigh in.
As far as the growth chart goes, for height, he has now fallen completely off the chart. He is so small that 100% of babies his age are longer than he is. Weight is dropping quickly and is at 25%. He cant afford to lose even an ounce. I can not tell you how hard it is to watch him waste away in front of my eyes. I am doing everything I can to try to get him to gain weight. We work so hard. I simply can not make this better. I am his mother and I just feel so inadequate. I have been so strong and fought the good fight everyday. I watched as he lay in his hospital bed and as he went through test after test. I put on my brave face and was there with a smiling face for him in recovery. The truth is though, that I am not strong enough to watch my child go through this.
The two years it took us to get pregnant with him, the five miscarriages we went through during that time, the high risk and complicated pregnancy, the NICU stay, the hospitalizations, the unknown. We have been through so much, and tonight, I am tired. My soul is so weary. I can feel the Lord calling. Whispering to give it to Him. I just can't. Not tonight. I don't want to put EJ on the alter. I want him healed and healthy in my arms. I want him and I don't want to let go. And tonight the overwhelming fear of ever losing him just feels so large. I cant tuck it away and push it down. Oh lord, I am so weary. I hurt so badly for my son, my child.
So friends, will you please pray for me. Pray I can find renewed strength and peace. That I can wake up ready to continue our fight. Pray I can hand this over to the Lord.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
