what it means to be alone (a post I never thought I'd have to write)

Sitting in a darkened quiet apartment is as strange of a circumstance to me as trying to decipher a foreign language. Only now, I have no translation dictionary to help me stumble through this place. I have no road map when my feet have no direction and I certainly do not have a compass. I am alone in this place and I am lost. And I have lost. I have lost so very much that frankly I am tired of the upward climb. I am weary of fighting through the storms to see the clearer skies. The see the dawn emerge behind the black. I am weary and tonight I am broken. 

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

Tonight marks my first night as a single mother to three beautiful boys. Tonight I am the sole guardian of my precious little ones. Tonight I stand alone before the Lord praying for mercy and praising the One who is still God despite my circumstance. Tonight I cling desperately to the promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because it is all I can do to breathe. 

I seek His arms strength once more as He carries me through the depths of this sinful word. 

The fact is, is that we can not choose what this life gives us. We can only chose how we react to such things. We can waste away in defeat or we can collapse before a God who can handle it. A God who has gone before and a God who is faithful. He promised us a difficult path in life as I have seen over and over but I also know He truly never leaves us during the worst of it. He alone can calm the storm. He alone can walk on top of the crashing waves. He alone can sustain us. He alone.

So where do I go from here? My marriage is over, our family torn apart, my heart is broken, and the enemy is whispering lies into this quiet darkness. Where do I turn? I turn my gaze upward and I know. Although the weight of this pain is crushing and the loneliness is sure to settle deeply, I can know with out hesitation that my God is not far, that He hears my cries, that He will bring glory from this if I allow Him to. I know the Truth come what may. 

So I say into this quiet emptyness, I am not alone. For my hope rests not with man. My hope rests not in this world. My Hope is in Him and in Him alone. 

I should apologize for the depth of this post but I am not going to. This is my heart tonight as I face the uncertainty of what is to come. Life has crashed around me so very unexpectantly and I have been left reeling. I have put on a brave face all day for my sweet boys. Austin came to me in tears this evening sharing his feelings. I can comfort and hug but I cant fulfill every question he has. Unfortunately there is no answer for why families fall apart and why a daddy leaves. This is never what I would have chosen for us, for them. I would do anything, give anything, if I could just shelter them from all of this. 

I am not 100% on what will unfold in the coming months but I am working on a plan and I ask for your prayers for what is to come. Most importantly I ask your prayers for Austin and EJ. To surround them and protect them as much as possible from this. I truly believe divorce is never God's plan but I know He will see us through this. Things will never be the same, we will never be the same, but maybe just maybe The Creator can rebuild us even more brilliantly. Maybe just maybe The Potter can mold us into an image even more like Himself.