there are these arms....

All weekend I have been so stressed out and just overwhelmed with anxiety. I looked up my class syllabus online Saturday, and immediately started crying. Dramatic? Maybe. But everything just hit me a bit harder. I let it get to me, that is something I am very prone to do. Anxiety and I are long term BFF's apparently. 

It is so easy to lose sight of what is important and to let the things of each day wear us down. To get caught up in all the responsibilities and all the mundane. Sometimes when you are in the mess of it, all you see is the mess instead of the goal. These days I have felt knee deep. All I have been asking myself this weekend, is how in the world can I do this? It is not possible!! I am already spread so thin that I can't possibly take this on. Maybe you know that feeling too?

I am now 8 months pregnant with another sweet baby boy. I am getting bigger and things are getting much much harder. I am having bouts of contractions every day and my sciatic is really bad. It is a constant reminder of the blessing that I am carrying around inside right now. A blessing that will no doubt rock our world next month. My class work load this summer is heavy and there is a reason it is called "full time". Whoa.

I have been barely floating by these days, and now these changes are finally here. No more putting it off. (Did I also mention that I am also BFFs with procrastination, or maybe denial. Probably both! Fantastic :) 

So today, (the first day of class), I was fully expecting to wake up in a panic and was dreading it. But I didn't. There is peace here today. Patience and love. I wasn't expecting it and I don't know why I haven't learned yet. I know these arms. I know their reach. Why do I doubt? 

There are different seasons in our life that push and challenge us. Those are the seasons where we grow the most. I know this season won't be an easy one, but I will embrace it and I will trust. We will make it through this and will come out better for it. But worry and doubt and anxiety? They only take away from the miracle, from the joy. They steal gratitude and I will no longer allow that. 

And there is a lot to be said about being busy! Idle hands are never a good thing after all. Plus, my type A personality is taking over. I already have my list and am ready to go. But maybe that is not the point I am trying to make! That's for another post.

Anyway, I wanted to say that whatever you are facing, and maybe even dreading, you can do it because you are not alone. There are these hands and they have a way of carrying things, including you, especially you.

This is a song that I LOVE that I wanted to share. God truly is in all seasons of life. So thankful for an ever present God.

a thing about birds (and children)

Birds. They are incredible little creatures, right? Do you ever watch them as they fly? Sometimes so high you can barely see their silhouette. Sometimes, right over head and in large numbers.
One thing I have noticed is how they always seem to perch on the highest branches. A tall roof top, a tiny twig waving in the wind, or all together as a flock. They love the highest peaks, the fresh wind under their wings. They love it because they do not fear it. They know they are not going to fall. They know a force, even though they can not see it, will come bring their wings into the air. They know something that we do not.

I want to ask you what you fear? What holds you back from doing the things you long to do? If you had no fear of falling, of failure, what would you finally do?

God desires us to trust Him. Not only in the easy, but in the difficult. In the messy and disastrous. He calls us to believe that a force we can not see will lift us up and carry us. To leap out in faith with arms wide open.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"  Matthew 6:26

If God sustains the smallest of living creatures, why do we doubt He will sustain us? Oh how it is so easy to have faith when we least need it!!!

See that sweet baby boy? He is a gorgeous newborn I had the privilege of photographing recently. Those early days are just that, days. Sweet fleeting days. We try to savor it, but it is gone in a blur. What if we could really savor life though? See each moment as what it truly is, a gift. A miracle in the making. What if the worries and everyday stress melted away and we could see and enjoy every moment and every blessing. Like children.
Ever notice how a child will eat a popsicle? With gooey syrup running all over their face and shirt. No hesitation just pure joy? Ever notice the wonder in their eyes when they see a bug or a new flower? The unconditional love as they ask for one more kiss or their favorite book read once more?
EJ loves baths. Eventually though he will ask to come out and I pull the plug and the water quickly begins to drain away. In that moment EJ dives back into the water and swims once more. Until every drop has vanished and then will let me wrap him in his bear towel. He savors every drop.
To live a life of joy and of savoring. The simple, the everyday, can bring the most joy. Joy is not achieving what you most desire. It is finding peace and gratitude in what is already in front of you. To see your life, as it is currently, as a blessing.
The sunlight streaming in through the curtains, little giggles, sweet tea on a hot day. Snuggles with a certain someone fresh from the bath. Every meal and every drop of water. To see the miraculous. To truly live...

I suppose we all could learn a thing or two from birds and children :)

the gift

It is quiet here this afternoon. Adam came just around 1 and picked up EJ so that he could enjoy the rest of the day with his big bro and his daddy. It is Adam's day with the boys and there are so many things wrong with that statement but I can't even wrap my head around them all. Adam has to have a day because he is not here. He is missing it. The day to day snuggles and kisses and tantrums. The smiles, the tears, the laughter. All of it.

Too many thoughts have been let to wander to what has been, what could have been, what is to come. And what I need to realize is the now.
In the words of  my favorite turtle from Kung Fu Panda, "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the Present."
True words indeed, even though they came from an animated cartoon character.

I just feel out of sorts today. Could be due to the steroids I am on for my asthma, but a lot of it is the fact that I don't like being alone. I don't know how to do it. I hate the nights that Austin spends the night at Adam's place and I hate the days he has both boys. I don't like being away from them and I just feel worthless without them here. I know that probably sounds crazy to some, maybe most people. But it is my reality. I don't mind the extra work of being a single mom and in fact, I am doing really well with it. But on the days that it is just me, well not so much. I should be steam cleaning my carpets or going grocery shopping, but I am on here typing instead. It is almost as if my boys keep me afloat and give me meaning. They give me breath and courage. They make me, me. And I am so blessed and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the enormous blessing that they are to me. I need them as much, if not more, than they need me.

When I walk around the corner, just out of sight of EJ, he always calls "Mommmmmyyyyyyyyy" in the sweetest most melt-your-heart voice imaginable.
Some people are not born mothers but I am. There is nothing I cherish more than being called "Mommy".

On the other hand, I need to let the Lord minister to me in these quiet moments where I find myself alone. I need to let Him fill the void and let Him be enough. If we all truly allowed our Savior to be ENOUGH and to fill every void and emptiness in our lives, think how different this world would be. Everything would be different. I would be totally different.

It is no secret that I struggle with anxiety and worry and it is more apparent now than ever before. His peace is something I get to feel on a daily basis and it takes my breathe away. But in some moments, like now, I do not always accept His sweet gift and instead I wallow in the overwhelming.

So I breathe, focus on Him, focus on the moment, and let the stress slip away. The tears come as they often do, and I surrender again. And again. And again.
I lean in to the One who calls me by name and knew me before I was created. The one who will never let me fall and will never walk away.

And as I type, sweet little Elias is kicking away inside and I can't help but smile. God's timing is always perfect isn't it? Oh how I am ever grateful to a Lord who knows me better than I even know myself....

Life is a hard road and I am right smack in the middle of the mud. But it won't always be like this and I know that. I can see the sun and feel the warmth even now. The hope that is tomorrow, but the gift that is today.

what it means to be alone (a post I never thought I'd have to write)

Sitting in a darkened quiet apartment is as strange of a circumstance to me as trying to decipher a foreign language. Only now, I have no translation dictionary to help me stumble through this place. I have no road map when my feet have no direction and I certainly do not have a compass. I am alone in this place and I am lost. And I have lost. I have lost so very much that frankly I am tired of the upward climb. I am weary of fighting through the storms to see the clearer skies. The see the dawn emerge behind the black. I am weary and tonight I am broken. 

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

Tonight marks my first night as a single mother to three beautiful boys. Tonight I am the sole guardian of my precious little ones. Tonight I stand alone before the Lord praying for mercy and praising the One who is still God despite my circumstance. Tonight I cling desperately to the promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because it is all I can do to breathe. 

I seek His arms strength once more as He carries me through the depths of this sinful word. 

The fact is, is that we can not choose what this life gives us. We can only chose how we react to such things. We can waste away in defeat or we can collapse before a God who can handle it. A God who has gone before and a God who is faithful. He promised us a difficult path in life as I have seen over and over but I also know He truly never leaves us during the worst of it. He alone can calm the storm. He alone can walk on top of the crashing waves. He alone can sustain us. He alone.

So where do I go from here? My marriage is over, our family torn apart, my heart is broken, and the enemy is whispering lies into this quiet darkness. Where do I turn? I turn my gaze upward and I know. Although the weight of this pain is crushing and the loneliness is sure to settle deeply, I can know with out hesitation that my God is not far, that He hears my cries, that He will bring glory from this if I allow Him to. I know the Truth come what may. 

So I say into this quiet emptyness, I am not alone. For my hope rests not with man. My hope rests not in this world. My Hope is in Him and in Him alone. 

I should apologize for the depth of this post but I am not going to. This is my heart tonight as I face the uncertainty of what is to come. Life has crashed around me so very unexpectantly and I have been left reeling. I have put on a brave face all day for my sweet boys. Austin came to me in tears this evening sharing his feelings. I can comfort and hug but I cant fulfill every question he has. Unfortunately there is no answer for why families fall apart and why a daddy leaves. This is never what I would have chosen for us, for them. I would do anything, give anything, if I could just shelter them from all of this. 

I am not 100% on what will unfold in the coming months but I am working on a plan and I ask for your prayers for what is to come. Most importantly I ask your prayers for Austin and EJ. To surround them and protect them as much as possible from this. I truly believe divorce is never God's plan but I know He will see us through this. Things will never be the same, we will never be the same, but maybe just maybe The Creator can rebuild us even more brilliantly. Maybe just maybe The Potter can mold us into an image even more like Himself. 

could I share this one prayer with you today?

Could I take but a moment and sit in this stillness, and share just one prayer with you today?

That our feet, and not just our hearts, be prompted to move.

Our path was laid out by Jesus Christ himself, but do we dare follow? Do we dare to even try to comprehend what living with out all this North American gluttony would be like? Do we even attempt to bridge the gap?

I am struggling today with the weight of knowing I am but a soul longing. I long to not be a part of this world, only to be in it but not of it. I long to see Him face to face. Are my good intentions even worthy of being in our Kings presence? How am I anything but filth?

Grace.

But where does grace end? Where am I and who am I in this world? Like stagnant water we breed disease and sin. Not moving in any direction, even with great intentions, we are still useless stagnant water. Waiting for a hurricane of circumstance to move us and breathe new life, but what if that never comes? Or worse, what if it comes and we still aren't moved? Or maybe our hearts are broken, but our feet never take a step. Or our minds are filled with conviction but we never give of ourselves. What of stagnant people?

Prayer.

I pray for God to speak to me and to show me the way. I pray that I will then heed that call and follow. But some days I don't even know what direction I am headed and most days I feel so lost. I take it to Him in prayer, and prayer is powerful. I have learned to prayer expectantly, not only hopefully, and I do. But when I open my eyes, and I am once again surrounded not by Him, but of my world, I then become lukewarm. How does the flame that He ignites, turn to but a warmth in moments. How is the passion of a sermon tucked into the depths of our hearts to just then fizzle and die? How do I take the jump into the radical? What is radical when you have a husband and two small children?

Act.

We are called to move and act. We are all called to be disciples. We are called to give and then to give more. We are called to love our neighbor as ourselves. How often do we see this command acted out? Where is Jesus in a self loving, self promoting, materialistic world? And where do we belong, as His followers, in all this chaos?

My heart hurts for all those in need. For all that don't know a mother's touch. For all of those who are hungry, not only for food, but for love. For those without clothing and water. For those without shelter or a pillow to lay their head. For those with broken hearts and broken homes. For all that NEED.
My heart is broken but do my, or your, feet ever take a step?

So although I do not know the answers, I know who does. Although I am filthy rags, I am saved by grace. Although I fail, He conquers. Although I am sin, He is perfection.

So dear friends, on this day, my prayer is that our feet, not only our hearts, will be prompted to move. And that we may obey.

What has the Lord been prompting you to do? Have you listened?


34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 25:34-40

Psalm 30:5

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

This day is always a rough one for me. September as a whole is very bittersweet. September 16, 2004 is when I found out I was pregnant with Austin. September 29th is Adam's birthday. September 19, 1999 is the day my father took his life 11 years ago. September 19, 2007 is the day I found out one of our sweet babies was ectopic and wouldn't make it.

September.

I know for a lot of people loss is not something easily discussed. It is hard for us to accept and to process. Our earthly bodies and minds can't always see the grace and glory on the other side.
On this day, I too fall victim to the sadness that loss is so willing to lend us. I felt it all week as this day has approached. Silently and cunningly weaving itself into my heart with its lies. And I will admit, the sadness has brought me to my knees. And it would keep me there if I didn't know the TRUTH.

The truth is that I, alone, can not face and bear the weight of this sinful world. However, I am not alone.

...the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

And indeed, sweet friends, His burden is light.

This world offers so much pain, but in Him comes peace, true peace. He never promised an easy journey but He also promised that He would never leave us to face it alone.

So it is in His word, that I can see the lies for what they are.

This year, I find myself missing my dad more than ever. I watch Austin and EJ grow and I know he would have made a fantastic grandfather. I can just see the smile he would have had while taking them fishing. Oh how I wish he could take them fishing.

And oh how grateful I am that my heavenly Father knows my heart and is ever present. My boys may never know my dad, but they will know our Father.

And I know there is no void, no wound, no pain, to large for Jesus. There is no day in which He can not bring joy and glory. Even on this day. Especially on this day.

And I yearn for the day that all this will disappear and I can see my Savior face to face. Until that day, I will cling to the truth and I will rest in Him.

Though the night may bring mourning friends, there will be joy come the new day.

Thank you Savior for the new day and joy you bring. Thank you for your peace which truly does surpass all understanding. Thank you for bringing Glory into the darkest of hours. Thank you for your comfort when we need it most. Thank you for all your promises which you have never abandoned. Thank You Jesus, for carrying us all.

God's hand

If only we held on to our heavenly father as tightly.....

deep conditioning

Alright ladies (hey even men!), we all know it. That feeling.
You just spent hours in the swivel chair at the salon getting your hair done. Maybe some color, a cut, and at last that fabulous deep conditioner. Nothing beats it and I can't seem to buy it.
My hair never feels better than the day I leave the salon. Soft shiny and silky. Plus with just the right amount of body. Perfection.
Deep conditioning is amazing. Repairs damage and strengthens your hair. Protects it from the elements. Oh how I love it.

We get a bounce to our step and that great smile. Everyone can notice the change.

Well, the same rings true for the armor of God.

How do you go about your day? How do you repair yourself and prepare for all that the world will throw at you? Maybe you don't? Maybe you face the day with out great conditioner and you are weak, worn, weary and just out of that bounce. Maybe you have no protection and everything has been taking it's toll on you.

It can be better! You can get that shine, that pep back in your step. That smile that everyone can notice. We don't have to face everything alone...

"Finally, my brethren be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having gird your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints--" Ephesians 6:10-18

God longs for us to reach out and put on the armor. He wants to help us everyday. He wants to provide strength, truth, and peace to us all. He really wants to be your deep conditioner.
He will repair whats broken and protect. But you know what?? You have to apply it. You have to use it. You have to ask for it. And the best part?? It is free!

So before you start your day, I encourage you to take a minute. Suit up. Get ready. And prepare to have the best hair day...ever!

the carpenter+ our winner!!

Carpentry. It is a lost art really.

Now a days you don't see too many dusty sweaty men pouring strength and attention into a chunk of wood. Seeing the possibilities, the potential. Grinding, scraping, carving, cutting, removing and sawing until, you see it. The beauty that He saw all along. Those carpenters are pretty creative after all. To see the beauty before hand.

To make something from nothing. Something prized and treasured. Something obviously worth value. Those carpenters, you see, are quite creative....

From a rough log they can make something so smooth and glorious. From something so unlikely, they can create a work of art.
Not surprising because, well, carpenters are rather creative....

Did you know Jesus was a carpenter? But oh, his work did not stop at logs. Oh no, He had his sights on something much more significant.

You.

He sees the potential, the possibilities. He sees the beauty. He sees what could be, what will be. He can look straight through you and see what others can not. From something so unlikely he can make a masterpiece. And often, He sees all this before even you do.

Do you think that we are the ones holding us back? We are the ones who can't imagine that a God as unimaginable as ours, could choose us to do His work?

Fear not. All we have to do is trust. Walk where He leads for He will guide us. He will transform us. Even if we can not imagine the result. Even when we can't see His plan. Especially when we can't see it. Have faith in the carpenter. After all, they are pretty creative you know.

Alright, are you ready for our winner?

Yay! Number 16, Tracey, you are my winner!!!!
So excited! Sent you out an email!!

Luke 9:23-24

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

Resolutions.....
Aren't they funny?
We all make them. We make our goals and plans. Create a whole itinerary for our new year.

How about we stop making resolutions for us, resolutions that we want, and start making some for the Lord? Strive to walk more in His way, and do more of what He desires for us. What then?

What if we surrender to our Lord and lay it all out for Him. What if our resolution is to die to ourselves and everyday choose, instead, to pick up the cross.

Did you catch that? Everyday.

My resolution this year is to stop being lazy and to serve. To be obedient to the Lord. I don't know what this will look like, as I often fly by the seat of my pants. But I am sure going to try. It is time to start taking up the cross. It is time to die to myself so that I may live in Him. It is time to stop making excuses. I am being called to act, and for once, I am.

You see, God knows it is not easy. That's why we fail year after year, day after day. I am always failing and I am so far from perfect that I am in awe even trying to comprehend that our God still loves me. That he has a plan for me and has indeed started a "good work" in not only me but each and every one of us. We are all part of His amazing plan. We are all called to be a part...and He knows it isn't easy.

"For I am sure that He who started this good work in you will carry it through until it is finished on the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

That is why He will finish His good work in us. We can do nothing alone. Not breathe, not move. Nothing. And we also can not follow through with resolutions and plans all on our own. It is not by our strength that we prevail.
All we have to do is submit. Receive. And He will do the rest. Let ourselves become vessels for His love and compassion. Let our lives merely be arrows pointing to Him. If you give Him the reins, my friends, He will start a good work!!

I am constantly brought to my knees over and over again when I receive just a glimpse of His work. It is something that our human minds will never comprehend on this side of heaven.

So this year, I have made my resolution. Not for myself but for Him. I will strive everyday to chose the cross. Everyday I will work on being transparent in my life to allow Him to cover where I fail.

I made my resolution. Have you?

Reckless Abandon.
-the trait of lacking restraint or control; freedom from inhibition or worry

One day when I look back on my life, on my faith, and what I did, I want to say I lived with reckless abandon. I want to be able to say that I gave everything. I had passion and love and I lived. I want to look back and say that (although I could never repay Jesus for the ultimate sacrifice) I worked hard to share my faith, that I served. I want to be all the good that the Lord sees in me. I want to work at doing His will. I want to walk the walk...

There was a prayer that I had read in my WOW bible as a young teen. It read, "Be still my soul and know that He is God, and He will not let go for He loves me so."
I will no longer be praying this prayer.

I no longer want to be still.

Now I pray that my soul may be moved. That I may be moved. I no longer want to be complacent.

I often think about the rapture and wonder if it happened tomorrow, would I be ready? Would I have accomplished everything that I want too. Well, the answer is...no. Not by a long shot.
With international missions out of reach for us right now, I have recently found a way to do wonderful mission work right here in my town. Sometimes it is not the big things. Sometimes the smallest things cause the largest ripples.
So I am excited to start serving those around me and the Lord.
So I know a lot of you are not able to give a lot of money to charities, go on mission trips, and radically change your lifestyle. However, I want you to know that the Lord is in the little things as well. There is so much we can be doing right here. The need is huge for local volunteers!

Lord lead me, guide me, move me. I no longer want to be still.
Lord I pray that I may die to myself so that I may live for You. That I may live with reckless abandon. Amen.

For my Ej update, today was another bad day. I know we have bad days and good days, so I am hoping tomorrow he makes up for it. He ate no baby food and barely nursed today. He is refusing all formula at this point. I called in to the Dr. and let them know what has been going on. I am waiting to hear back on whether they want to continue this way until the 21st, or go ahead and change to a different plan. I will let you all know!
Oh and speaking of you all....
I want to thank you sincerely for all the kind and uplifting comments, emails, and prayers. You have no idea how amazing you are. I am just so thankful.
Also, I am about 60% today already and I have never recovered this quickly from mastitis. I think I can attribute that to a little thing called prayer. :)
Thank you all so much. You truly are friends in Christ!

Will you still follow me?

Everyone has trials and hardships. Everyone has problems and some painful moments in their life.
In life we can not choose what life gives us, only how we react. It is our reactions that define us.
The truth is, life can be pretty hard sometimes....

I have had my share of trials. The past two years have been especially difficult.

But I wouldn't change that. The Lord uses these moments to mold us and to create within us who He knows we can be. I still love the analogy of river rocks.

The trials and tests push you to the limits. It stretches your faith almost to breaking. It tears you down but only to have the Lord build you right back up. The Lord is awesome at that! How thankful I am for rebuilding!

I have been asked why the Lord allows such painful and horrible things to happen to us. Why my faith remains so strong in the face of such heart ache. I will tell you.

I was a luke warm follower for a very long time. One foot on the alter, the other at the door. Knowing Jesus and following Jesus are different things.
I never gave Him my life. I never gave Him anything.... However, I was happy to demand everything. I thought I was a Christian and claimed to be. Then things started to change...

In the middle of our secondary infertility and in the heartache of my miscarriages I heard the Lord whisper to me. Calling me to Him.
Do you still love me? Will you still follow me if you do not get pregnant?
Saying yes to that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. However, not to long after, I did get pregnant with Max.
Will you still love me and follow me if I take this precious baby to come home to be with me?
NO! NO! You can not take this baby from me. Not another one. I want this baby to be here on earth. I want this one to come home. I want...I want....
With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I answered yes Lord.
Max did go to be with the Lord and I had never know such pain nor such peace.

With the failing economy crumbling around us, with jobs and incomes lost. With hopes, homes, and dreams shattered. I once again heard Him calling.
Will you still love and follow me if you have nothing but me?
Looking into heaven and begging to see the path He had chosen and to see the purpose in all the loss, I kneeled and said yes Lord.
We did lose everything, and for the first time I knew what it was like to be completely sustained by Him alone.

With sweet Ej in my belly growing and thriving, despite our preterm labor and complications, I started to breathe again.

Once more , though, the Lord is calling.

Will you still love me and follow me? Will I still be your God? Will you still walk in faith if I ask EJ to be placed on the alter. If it is not my will for Ej to be healed on this side of eternity?
And friends, with faith and courage, I whisper YES Lord.

Yes Lord, YOU are my king, my Savior, no matter what! No matter what. My faith is no longer something I say but something I walk. I no longer expect for my wants and desires to be met. For when you let the Lord lead you, when you let Him work in your life, there might be will be pain. However, the reward, the beauty, the joy, the hope, the promise, the peace, is so much more than you can ever even imagine. If it takes the pain to have the joy, if it takes the pain to know the arms of Jesus, then yes Lord. I will take it all.

We were never promised an easy path. We were never promised smooth sailing. In fact the scripture promises the opposite. However, we were promised that we would never go alone. Jesus is there to carry, to comfort, to save. Jesus is always there...no matter what. The farther you lean, the stronger his grasp. He will never let you go.

So no matter what heart ache you have, no matter what path you are traveling, know this. The Lord our God has traveled it far in advance. He is waiting for you with outstretched arms. Just jump, lean, and give the pain to Him. The comfort and peace of Jesus is all encompassing and breathe taking. And.... it is yours.....

To read another story of sweet surrender and of answering yes lord! go here.

the details

Well today was a day of prayer and praise. I spent many, many moments on my knees today.
Austin has really taken an interest to prayer and to Jesus lately. He comes near and hovers by my side when I pray. He is full of so many insightful questions. But the thing that amazes me the most is his dedication to the details.
He wants to know what the soldiers used to pierce His side, he wants to know about the crown of thorns, about the roman soldiers and how the Lord felt about them. He wants to know about Pontius and about Jesus rising again. He wants to know all the details. He wants to memorize them and study them. This, to me, is incredible. It also reminds me of the details of Jesus that I often forget about.
The true details. How He really died on the cross to save us. His hands were pierced, a crown of thorns placed on His head. He was spit on, mocked, beaten. His human body broken for you and for me. I can only imagine the look in His eyes as he cried out to our Father in Heaven for the last time. I can only imagine the pain He endured for our salvation. I can only imagine the LOVE. The details bring me to my knees again and again.
So tonight as our day was winding down, and I went upstairs to get EJ ready for bed, I saw this on my door.

When I asked Austin what his GI Joes were doing taped to my door, he replied, " I wanted to remind you of Jesus, I don't want you to forget."
Thank you so much Austin. You have no idea how you lift me up and encourage me. I won't forget. Not about any of it. Not one detail.

And also, I think I know why my laundry seems to never get done anymore......
(sorry this is sooooo dark. we love to turn the lights off and just have the Christmas tree on :)

clothes monster from E Nault on Vimeo.

EJ is doing okay here at home with us and we try to take it day by day. He is still not eating nearly enough calories despite our best efforts. At this point it is looking like a feeding tube is our only option. Our next appointment is December 21st, and if there is no weight gain again, we will do it that day. So if you could pray for little EJ to gain weight it would be such a blessing! Although a feeding tube isn't the worst thing by any means, I still cling to some hope he won't need it!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9

so thankful

Today I am thankful for snow, even though it is now melting.
I am thankful for all my friends, blog friends, and family for lifting us up during this time.
I am thankful for the fact that I was able to mix a little formula into Ej's baby food this morning and therefore boosted his caloric intake even if it was "just a little bit".
I am thankful for the generosity, kindness, and prayers that everyone has given. Even people who didn't know me prior to this!

But I am most thankful for a Lord who's strength is perfect when mine fails.
Oh how I am ever grateful. For when we fall, he does indeed pick us up and continue forward. When we can no longer fight, he battles for us. When I am nothing, He is everything. The God of the universe has us tightly in His grip. He will never let go.

So today, I am thankful. So thank you everyone who has lifted us up. Thank you so much. We have felt your prayers and I am so grateful.

Just so in awe of the Lord

I can not tell you enough how amazing, how humbled, how joyous, how utterly in awe I am in the presence of the Lord.
How, to sit back and watch Him move in our life, to see His glorious plan unfold, it is truly indescribable.

We were at the breaking point. We were at the brink, the edge, and the only thing we could do is to take a leap of faith and jump into the arms of the Lord. The past 6 months, the move to Texas, the job search, the financial trials, all of it. The Lord brought me to a place where I had no choice but to give it to Him. To rest in Him.

When I finally gave Him my life, full reign, amazing and miraculous things started happening.

To see Him, to really see what He can do, is so humbling. Who am I compared to the Lord? Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing is to small, or to big for Him. He loves and cares for all of us, no matter what. But to really see Him move in my life the way he has, it is breathe taking.

I never could have imagined, that He has had us in His hands from day one. I had nothing to worry about because He was in control.

We have a home, we now have two amazing jobs, we have two awesome boys. He has brought us back. Revived us. Breathed fresh life into what was once broken.

He is our healer, our leader, our guide, our comforter, our wisdom, our shoulder, our SAVIOR.

I have to say, if I had a choice to do this all again, I would. Yes it was hard. Harder than anything we had faced as a family, but it has brought me face to face with Jesus. And, this is a place I never want to leave.

Lord thank you for everything. I don't deserve any of it and I could never repay you. But you give anyways. Your love is beyond description and your grace is inconceivable. Thank you.

In His hands

Truths:
I do not have the answers.
I do not know what tomorrow brings.
I can not control the future (despite my desire too).
I am only human, and I can not do this by myself.

I believe in the one who does have the answers, even if the answers are not always what we desire.
I believe in the one who knows what tomorrow brings.
I believe in the one, who despite what tomorrow brings, will never leave me nor forsake me.
The one I believe in is almighty, sovereign, perfect. He is just, loving, all forgiving, and my Father. He carries me, He comforts me, and He guides me. He whispers in the silence. He heals, He gives, He mends. He pushes us to become what only He knows we can. He molds us and creates us.
He alone can do all things. Through Him, alone, we can do anything.
He is my Savior, my rock, my fortress.

So whatever comes tomorrow. Whatever the waves of this world decide to bring ashore. Whatever comes...

I will know...

The one I believe in, The one I give my life, The one, Jesus, He will see my through.
For I am in His hands, and they are mighty indeed.

Lord,
I will rest in peace tonight. No matter what is to come, no matter what is brought before me, I will find peace in You tonight.
The path I follow, is the path You have set before me. Whether it bring poverty, riches, trials, triumph, heard ache, laughter, loss, or gain. Whatever You bring me, I will find peace.
"For there will be days when life brings me pain. If that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain."
Amen

May we never forget the hands that hold us. The same hands that have been pierced by nails.
May we never forget, that even when life brings pain, and overwhelming odds, we are not alone.
Nothing in this life could ever take us away from our Father, or diminish His love for us.
He will never abandon us.
Tonight I will give it all to Him. My life is on the alter.
I give it all to Jesus. All of it.