quiet reflections

September brings so many things.
September 23rd will bring fall and a new crispness to life.
September brings 9/11, something we will never ever forget.
September 17th brings the joy of new life as on that day 7 years ago I found out I was pregnant with Austin.
September 29th is Adam's birthday. He will be entering a new decade this birthday.
September 19th brings great loss. This day 12 years ago my father took his life. This day 4 years ago I laid on a hospital bed losing yet another baby.
So much loss and so much life all in one little month. It is hard to process.
September is a very heavy month for me. It is amazing how mourning and joy are woven together into one. How life is this constant mix of both. How we are all a mix of both.
So today I reflected on all these things and let each memory settle deeply. What is life if not an ebbing and flowing?
Tonight I am grateful for all that has been, is, and is yet to come.  Tonight I am grateful for tender friends and loving family. Tonight I will simply be still and know that He is who he says He is.

Psalm 30:5

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

This day is always a rough one for me. September as a whole is very bittersweet. September 16, 2004 is when I found out I was pregnant with Austin. September 29th is Adam's birthday. September 19, 1999 is the day my father took his life 11 years ago. September 19, 2007 is the day I found out one of our sweet babies was ectopic and wouldn't make it.

September.

I know for a lot of people loss is not something easily discussed. It is hard for us to accept and to process. Our earthly bodies and minds can't always see the grace and glory on the other side.
On this day, I too fall victim to the sadness that loss is so willing to lend us. I felt it all week as this day has approached. Silently and cunningly weaving itself into my heart with its lies. And I will admit, the sadness has brought me to my knees. And it would keep me there if I didn't know the TRUTH.

The truth is that I, alone, can not face and bear the weight of this sinful world. However, I am not alone.

...the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

And indeed, sweet friends, His burden is light.

This world offers so much pain, but in Him comes peace, true peace. He never promised an easy journey but He also promised that He would never leave us to face it alone.

So it is in His word, that I can see the lies for what they are.

This year, I find myself missing my dad more than ever. I watch Austin and EJ grow and I know he would have made a fantastic grandfather. I can just see the smile he would have had while taking them fishing. Oh how I wish he could take them fishing.

And oh how grateful I am that my heavenly Father knows my heart and is ever present. My boys may never know my dad, but they will know our Father.

And I know there is no void, no wound, no pain, to large for Jesus. There is no day in which He can not bring joy and glory. Even on this day. Especially on this day.

And I yearn for the day that all this will disappear and I can see my Savior face to face. Until that day, I will cling to the truth and I will rest in Him.

Though the night may bring mourning friends, there will be joy come the new day.

Thank you Savior for the new day and joy you bring. Thank you for your peace which truly does surpass all understanding. Thank you for bringing Glory into the darkest of hours. Thank you for your comfort when we need it most. Thank you for all your promises which you have never abandoned. Thank You Jesus, for carrying us all.

Will you still follow me?

Everyone has trials and hardships. Everyone has problems and some painful moments in their life.
In life we can not choose what life gives us, only how we react. It is our reactions that define us.
The truth is, life can be pretty hard sometimes....

I have had my share of trials. The past two years have been especially difficult.

But I wouldn't change that. The Lord uses these moments to mold us and to create within us who He knows we can be. I still love the analogy of river rocks.

The trials and tests push you to the limits. It stretches your faith almost to breaking. It tears you down but only to have the Lord build you right back up. The Lord is awesome at that! How thankful I am for rebuilding!

I have been asked why the Lord allows such painful and horrible things to happen to us. Why my faith remains so strong in the face of such heart ache. I will tell you.

I was a luke warm follower for a very long time. One foot on the alter, the other at the door. Knowing Jesus and following Jesus are different things.
I never gave Him my life. I never gave Him anything.... However, I was happy to demand everything. I thought I was a Christian and claimed to be. Then things started to change...

In the middle of our secondary infertility and in the heartache of my miscarriages I heard the Lord whisper to me. Calling me to Him.
Do you still love me? Will you still follow me if you do not get pregnant?
Saying yes to that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. However, not to long after, I did get pregnant with Max.
Will you still love me and follow me if I take this precious baby to come home to be with me?
NO! NO! You can not take this baby from me. Not another one. I want this baby to be here on earth. I want this one to come home. I want...I want....
With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I answered yes Lord.
Max did go to be with the Lord and I had never know such pain nor such peace.

With the failing economy crumbling around us, with jobs and incomes lost. With hopes, homes, and dreams shattered. I once again heard Him calling.
Will you still love and follow me if you have nothing but me?
Looking into heaven and begging to see the path He had chosen and to see the purpose in all the loss, I kneeled and said yes Lord.
We did lose everything, and for the first time I knew what it was like to be completely sustained by Him alone.

With sweet Ej in my belly growing and thriving, despite our preterm labor and complications, I started to breathe again.

Once more , though, the Lord is calling.

Will you still love me and follow me? Will I still be your God? Will you still walk in faith if I ask EJ to be placed on the alter. If it is not my will for Ej to be healed on this side of eternity?
And friends, with faith and courage, I whisper YES Lord.

Yes Lord, YOU are my king, my Savior, no matter what! No matter what. My faith is no longer something I say but something I walk. I no longer expect for my wants and desires to be met. For when you let the Lord lead you, when you let Him work in your life, there might be will be pain. However, the reward, the beauty, the joy, the hope, the promise, the peace, is so much more than you can ever even imagine. If it takes the pain to have the joy, if it takes the pain to know the arms of Jesus, then yes Lord. I will take it all.

We were never promised an easy path. We were never promised smooth sailing. In fact the scripture promises the opposite. However, we were promised that we would never go alone. Jesus is there to carry, to comfort, to save. Jesus is always there...no matter what. The farther you lean, the stronger his grasp. He will never let you go.

So no matter what heart ache you have, no matter what path you are traveling, know this. The Lord our God has traveled it far in advance. He is waiting for you with outstretched arms. Just jump, lean, and give the pain to Him. The comfort and peace of Jesus is all encompassing and breathe taking. And.... it is yours.....

To read another story of sweet surrender and of answering yes lord! go here.

Lord have mercy

Well I wanted this to have its own post, hence the two posts in one day.

This day last year I was on a cold table, at my fertility Drs office, staring at my babies flickering heart beat on the ultrasound screen. With eyes filled with tears, I prayed for God's mercy. That day I needed a miracle. I needed to be carried out of that office, and I was. By Jesus.

You see that day I learned the fate of our baby. Our baby that we were never meant to hold....

Our sweet sweet baby. Too many babies lost, too many waiting for us in heaven. Maybe not though. I know God has a perfect plan. Somehow those precious babies are a part of it. A big, big part. Although they were never in my arms, they will forever be in my heart. I miss them all so much. So terribly much. My heart breaks for them but I know they are in a far better place than on this earth.

I look at my two angels that did make it, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Against all odds, I was blessed with them. We fought hard to make it, but with God's hand, we did. Praise God for the babies I have on this earth, and Praise him for the 6 waiting for me in heaven. Oh God how I praise You even during the hard times.

Lord, thank You for my precious sons. My wonderful husband and this life I so joyously get to call my own. Thank you for the beautiful souls called home too soon. Thank you my Savior.............Amen.....


here is a link to my post last year in case you want to read. A little caution though. I was in a different place then and I was struggling with facing another loss....

better than expected!

Well yesterday was a hard day for me. I start dreading the 19th of September as soon as September is on the horizon. However, this year, I handled it well and even...thanks largely to my amazing husband, had some good moments.
The 19th was the day my father passed away and it always arrives with a twinge of sadness. Last year on that day I was in the ER learning that the fate of our baby was uncertain. We ended up losing that baby later on. So the 19th is hard in most aspects. Yesterday arrived despite my strong will and I started the day with baby Tad kicking me awake. Thank God for this baby. This incredible blessing. It is amazing how life really does heal wounds. I made it to work and managed through my morning patients. Then a surprise! Adam showed up at my work with flowers in hand!! He took me out to lunch at one of my favorite places, and we had a great lunch. He is my knight in shining armor. He is my best friend and I was so grateful to see him yesterday. I got home early and snuggled my son. For all I have lost, I still have so much. For this I am infinitely grateful. God has blessed me so much. So very much.

I guess time does heal wounds, and I imagine my family has had a huge part in helping me as well.

Dad, I still miss you and I always will. I love you. I mourn that you will never know your grandchildren or my husband. I know you will meet them all one day though.

The journey for a family

Our journey of growing a family was one that I never though would turn out the way it has. God has a way of surprising you and pushing you. Ultimately, growing you. And sometimes, even breaking you.

I have severe endometriosis. I have had two laparoscopies and have taken multiple rounds of lupron. Once pregnant I also require complete replacement of progesterone and estrogen as I do not produce these on my own beyond a standard luteal phase length. I have polycystic ovaries, thyroid disease, and multiple blood clotting disorders including Factor V Leiden, MTHFR, and Protein C deficiency. I was told that having children was an impossibility and that my two are miracles. The first I proved wrong, the second statement I believe 100%. They are my living breathing miracles.

When our journey started, it started with a surprise pregnancy. Austin! He was conceived naturally and unexpectedly. A blessing. I had had one miscarriage prior to Austin, but knew that could happen and although painful, I was sure everything would be fine. With Austin, I was on progesterone through out the first trimester, but my pregnancy went pretty smoothly. I did have a bout of early labor with him at 21-23 weeks, but never dilated. He was also diagnosed with mild IUGR. He usually showed little growth with ultrasound and the day before delivery he was estimated to be not even 6 pounds. However, he was born a whopping 8lbs 9oz at 38weeks, shocking us all. He has continued to amaze us ever since.

When we started out to get him a little sibling, we had no idea what was to come. At this point, my issues were still unknown. After a normal round of lupron, I waited till my cycles regulated and then we started trying. Immediately I got pregnant and was thrilled. However, just a few days later, my pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I lost two more in the coming months and realized I needed to get checked out. With my next pregnancy, I had a new Dr and a new hope. Then I got my HcG levels back and they were not rising as expected. I was on progesterone and thought that that was all I could be doing at this point. I prayed that it would be enough. Over the next month, we found out it was ectopic and that we had to let yet another baby go.

I was overwhelmed at this point and desperate. The fear of another loss consumed me but so did the desire for another child. I asked for a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist and was turned down. My Dr told me my early miscarriages were normal and I just needed to be patient. Knowing something wasn't right, I made the appointment myself.
It was the best decision I ever made.
Our Fertility Dr was a true blessing.
After countless tests, HSGs, ultrasounds, blood work etc, they finally had the answers. This is where we discovered my thyroid disease and my clotting disorders. Now we knew what I needed. It was decided I was to take progesterone, aspirin, foltx, and daily injections of lovenox throughout my pregnancy.
The Drs agreed that my progesterone levels were down because I wasn't ovulating well due to my cysts. So they recommended Clomid to help form a better quality egg, and hopefully a better quality luteal cyst. I was so excited at the possibility of making it to term! I wanted to hold a baby in my arms so badly it almost drove me to insanity. For those who have struggled with trying to conceive, you know this. But I had faith and I pushed forward. Then I got pregnant again.This time my pregnancy was different. It was going smoothly and we had high hopes. The cocktail of meds were working and my levels were rising. At this point it was also discovered that I didn't make estrogen adequately either and was placed on estrogen patches in addition to the progesterone. I was on the strongest levels of each.
Then I started bleeding and I felt my world fall apart. I went in to the Drs office and we did an ultrasound. I saw our baby (a boy) and his beautiful perfect heart beat. It was love at first sight. He was growing right on track but he had no fluid around him. There was something wrong with the gestational sac. Unfortunately he had a chromosomal abnormality but I still prayed for him to make it. We named him Max and he was perfect to us. When I went back in for a follow up ultrasound, his heart was no longer beating and I had already began miscarrying. I didn't think I was going to make it through this and it was the darkest point of my life. I sank into a depression and couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. The Dr reminded us of the fact that we had made it further than we had with all the others. The medicine was working. With Max it was chromosomal not b/c of me. So after three months we tried again and I was pregnant once more. This time was with EJ. I had a peace from God that this one was the one. I knew he would make it and I never worried. I can't explain it but I just knew. And he did make it and boy is he a fighter! We had preterm labor landing me in the hospital on turbutaline and steroid shots. After that I was on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. He was born after being induced at 38 weeks weighing 7lbs 6 oz. At birth he was diagnosed with pneumonia and was transferred to another hospital three hours away. In the NICU he steadily improved and came home on Valentines day. Since then we have dealt with health issues but we have grown stronger through them.
So although I miss the six that we have lost,
I am eternally grateful for the two I get to hold.

People ask me if we will have any more children, and although I feel as if our family is not yet complete, I know it is in the Lords hands. We will have to see what is in store for us whether that be adoption or through pregnancy. one thing is for sure, I trust in the one who has led me through so far. In Him I place my faith.