Santa the Scary :)

And a rather hilarious picture if I do say so! It was so freezing outside and the temp dropped suddenly so we were way under dressed. The boys were ready to head home ha!


So excited that it is Christmas time!! Yay!

broken (miscarriage)

I consider myself strong. Capable of weathering all that this earth can crash upon me.

My life has been much like an ocean. Waves, ebbing and flowing.
Just as a wave will fill every nook and crack as it seeks the shore, so does this life. Echoing into every inch of us, changing us, eroding us, exposing us. Washing over us unceasingly. Life, indeed, is much like an ocean. And a rather unfair one if I do say so myself.

Blogging is a great form of escape. Smiling faces, clean homes, well mannered kiddos. Just hop on Pinterest and it is a world full of bright and shiny. It can make a grilled cheese sandwich look like the best thing on earth.

And honestly I am so grateful for the bright and shiny. For the everyday normal moments. For the smiles and fresh baked cookies. For the hope and promise and especially for the forgiveness. I am so thankful for the waves that bring refreshment and peace. For the waves that bring love and family. For the waves that bring bounty.

But what about the moments, days, years, that the waves bring pain. When all that washes ashore is loss, tears, death, poverty. What of those?

Tonight I mourn for a friend whose baby boy was taken far too soon. The aftermath of a loss like that rings so strongly that it is hard to breathe. I hate it.

Call me vulnerable, but this has hit a spot in my heart that I have been trying to heal. I am so blessed, so blessed to have my three boys. Words can't express the joy they bring and the thankfulness that I have in every breathe just for the opportunity to be their mom. I love them and they are the reason I have survived some of this life's hardest times. They are the beacons that bring me back.

But I am here to say, that the pain is still there. It still hurts. It still lingers after all these years. It may not wash over me every day or even every week like it once did. But when it does, it breaks me. Because I miss him. That sweet baby, who I am thankful for having the honor of knowing if only for a very brief time. For seeing him alive. For being given the gift of seeing his heart beating. For life. And for the inconceivable pain when his heart was still. Motionless on the grey screen. November 11, 2008 was his due date. He would be three now. And I let myself wonder what he would have looked like.
Then I look down and see EJ asleep in my lap. Knowing he wouldn't be here if Max was. I can't really explain what that feels like. An ache and a joy intertwined. An ache for the loss, and joy for the gift that is in my lap. And the one in his bunk, and the one in his crib. I have lost much, but have gained more. But it still hurts.

I hurt for all six of my babies that left my womb much too soon. And I ache for the emptiness that my friend now carries.

I don't have the answers, or the ability to attempt to justify why babies die.

But I trust. I have faith. I know He can fill the emptiness. Maybe not in the way we want as humans, but in the way that does bring sweet comfort and does bring glory. I will say it a thousand times, not only for you, but for me. His strength is sufficient. He does sustain. When life crashes, He carries.

The storms of this life will pass. They will. And when they do, the coming sunrise will be more brilliant because of them. The air crisp and the land washed clean. It is coming friends. It is coming.

Matthew is 3 months (and a half!)

Well I am finally doing his three months post! He has changed so much this month.



For starters, he was able to come off the zantac. His reflux is much, much better! We also found out he is allergic to both milk protein and eggs. So lucky for me, I get to avoid all those foods since I am nursing :)



He is sleeping so much better now. He actually does really well in his crib. He takes two long naps (morning and afternoon) and a short evening one as well. The times that he takes these vary  as does the length of his naps.



Bedtime is around 7 and he now usually sleeps till 1 or 2 am before waking up to eat again. He usually wakes up about three times a night.

He is nursing great and gaining TONS of weight. He is just under 17 pounds now. He is 93rd for length and 97th percentile for weight. He is in 9 month clothing but can wear a few 6 months and our pjs are 12 month to fit over the night time diaper.

He is so happy now and talks and talks and smiles all the time. He still doesn't like to be put down though and still hates the car.

His hair is falling out like crazy and his eyes are still really blue. I cant wait to see what they will end up being!

I know babies don't usually teethe this early but this boy drools like crazy and is always chewing on his hands! He loves tummy time and his newborn fuzz is finally falling out.

He is just so sweet and I love him like crazy.
Oh and look at this! I definitely things he looks so much like Ej did at this age!!

Up up and away! I love this time of year. I truly do. One of my favorite things is seeing all of the hot air balloons flying around.




Our pumpkin! Adam did a great job! The boys are BIG star wars fans. Here is "Master Wuda" as Ej would say!

And here are the boys and I. My Spartan, firefighter, and puppy :)

After we stopped by some family to say hi, we met up with Adam and went trick or treating with some friends. Austin and EJ had so much fun. Ej would run right up and say "trick or treat" and then "thank you!". And of course spending time with good friends is always nice. Matthew didn't hit the streets with us this year as it was his bed time. So he stayed at the house and helped hand out candy :) That was my very first time leaving him. We were only a block away and gone about an hour but it was nice to be able to just hang out with the older boys. Balancing the needs of all three seems to be the hardest part for me. I know it will get better though as Matthew gets a bit older and we get a better routine. Right now his routine is completely off due to his reflux and stomach issues. We found out he is allergic to eggs and dairy and if I only eat something with a trace of them he gets a horrible rash and has horrible stomach issues. So no Halloween candy for me!! Today we are laying low due to a very very late night and watching Harry Potter and cleaning. Maybe some pumpkin muffins too!

(I am so late for Matthew's three month photo shoot but he has been so under the weather the past two weeks. Hopefully tomorrow I can get them finished!)

Hope you all a spook-tacular Halloween too!!!!