At the end of the day there are no paychecks, no award of merit, no praise, no validation for my worth. No physical showing of all my hard work. I have been feeling defeated and overall worthless. I KNOW this isn't the case, but I felt it none the less.
I feel stuck. Immobilized by my current life. I feel like I am in a rut that I just can't shake.
The Lord has been calling me, whispering to me, filling my heart with all the possibilities of how I could serve. The homeless, the elderly, the young, the ill. YES LORD!! I answered. I want to tackle it all. I was so filled by all the promise, all the hope, all the excitement of what was on the horizon. I couldn't wait to dive into the trenches and serve.
Then life happened. It smacked me in the face and told me to be still.
The reality is, that I haven't once been with out a baby on my hip since having Easton. Literally.
I have to be very careful where he goes and who he is around due to him being immune compromised. This means no church nursery, no childcare. With Adam's crazy work schedule, we never know his hours ahead of time.
No bible study, no date night, no way for me to work out of the home if need be. Not that I want to work out of the home, I don't. I love being with my children and thank God that I am at home as I prayed for this for years. But, if it came down to it, I can't do more. I have to sit this fight out. I have to back up and be still.
It is pretty hard to walk in the trenches with two little ones under foot....
And so it began. Slowly at first, then more prevalent. The doubt, the feeling of not being enough. Not doing enough. What am I, who am I? What now Lord?
Then in a moment of surrender he led me to the sweetest verse that He has ever shown me. I love our God. I love how tender, how gentle He can be when I need it most.
He started to show me, to whisper once more, to fill my heart. He started to give me hope and a new way to serve. He showed me how I can indeed be His hands and feet. Once again I was excited, filled with promise. Filled with a new anticipation of His work.
He really is amazing...
"A wise woman builds her home" Proverbs 14:1
Simply. Amazing.
For so long I thought I needed to do so much, to show, to prove, to validate.
God knows my heart. God loves me even when I don't love myself.
He never fails me.
So now I know. I am happy and at peace. There will be a time for trench work, but right now, right here, I have two beautiful boys and a wonderful man who I can serve fully.
If I can't be God's servant here, how would I ever be successful out there?
So I am on a new mission. One of demonstrating God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and peace to the people who matter most to me. To show them the way.
It made me realize how much work I really have here at home. How much healing is really needed. Thing's, people, I had neglected. Painful places, and hurtful things. There is so much right here.
Thank you God for showing me. Thank you for always knowing what we need....
And just for a great laugh at my expense (you're welcome), I will include picture evidence of one of my first new tasks.
Austin has been begging me to make him a pet deer ever since I got my sewing machine last month. Well, friends, I take my job seriously these days and lets just say it was made with love.
Meet Flea, the
He loves her, and she was definitely made with love.
So aside from needing some serious sewing lessons, I am loving my new role! Thank God for His mercy!
8 comments:
oh my goodness. I needed that laugh. Flea is precious, as was this post. We all need to be reminded that we can serve even with the small things. We all seek validation, but you are right, He knows our hearts. There will be time for "trench" work, but you are right where you need to be.
flea is precious! haha, i love your blogs. and you are a mommy, thats a LOT of work. and you can tell the way austin is hugging "flea" that he is more than grateful for a mommy like you!:)
Flea turned out great dear! I enjoyed your post today, I think it can serve all of us well. will talk to you later!!!
Aw I love the deer!
I truly understand this. I have felt that way often. Thank you for this, what a great verse!
You are inspiring to me and Flea is GREAT!
Late to the party...sorry :)
I can definitely identify with you. I feel I've been in that place, then out of that place, then wanting to return to that place! While it seems so simple, I'm learning that serving those in our home is invaluable, and that it really is one of the most important things we can do.
Love Flea, too, btw :) I'm waiting for my mom to come visit so she can teach me how to TURN ON my new sewing machine! :)
What a wonderful way to put it. I've gone from being a full-time working mom with a thriving social life and doing volunteer work to a SAHM in a city where I know not a soul. I feel like I can't serve, because what would I do with Libbie? I don't know anyone who would watch her.
But my service is caring for my home. I can do work from here. I can support others online or through letters. Thanks for the beautiful post!
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