mr. lots to say!

Well normally I am the one with lots to say, but today, the award goes to a certain little someone....

Mr. lots to say! from E Nault on Vimeo.

Yep, he LOVES to talk! Screaming, whispering, repeating, talking. His personality is really starting to shine through now and I just love it. I love watching him grow and change. I love watching him learn new things right in front of me. Grasping, reaching, crawling (kind of), absorbing. Childhood is a miraculous thing to behold. It is truly inspiring...

Easton had an okay day except that he refused to eat. Normally he is a champion nurser and will eat his fill with no effort on my part. Today I was able to get him to eat two ounces of baby food!!! However, he wouldn't nurse. He maybe took half of what he normally does. Few things stress me out as much as when he doesn't eat. Two ounces of peaches does not give you a free pass to not nurse, little man!

So tonight, I am a little worried. The more I think about a ng tube the more the anxiety builds. I don't mind him having one in the hospital, but here, at home? (breathe....)
I simply can not place that tube. The nurses sometimes would misplace it (according to the xray they do to check placement) and therefore I know I could! I have no experience with this! What if I were to misplace it, push a feed through, have him aspirate,......okay. (breathe......)

I can't do it. I have prayed about it and psyched myself up...but I just can't.
Also, on a completely superficial note, I don't know if I can see him with it everyday. Right now when you look at him, he looks amazing. You would never know what he has and continues to go through. I look at him and his smile brightens my world. For a moment it is just him and I can forget about all the medical issues. I can look at him and see my baby.
If he has the ng tube, I will see a constant reminder of the battle we are enduring. Every time I look at his sweet face, I will see that physical proof that all is not well.

I want what is best for Ej. I want nothing more than that. I want him gaining weight and thriving. I want him back on the growth chart. I just do not think I am strong enough for this...

Maybe, just maybe, we will get a little miracle just in time for Christmas. Maybe at our appointment he will have gained some weight. Maybe the little bit of formula I can get into the little bit of baby food he sometimes eats, maybe that will be enough. Just the little boost we needed. Maybe....

So will you join me in that prayer. Will you hope also that my sweet babe will eat, grow, and gain weight! I know I ask a lot, I really do. You have no idea how much it means that you all are praying for sweet Ej. You have no idea how humbled and moved I am by each one of you....

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 139:7-10

How grateful I am that the Lord meets me wherever I am. Even in moments of weakness, even when I can barely breathe, he comes to me. When I am mad, upset, anxious, or distant, even then He seeks me. No matter where I am, the Lord is there. And of how grateful I am!

Okay so maybe I do take the award for the most to say. Sorry Ej, maybe tomorrow! :)

Will you still follow me?

Everyone has trials and hardships. Everyone has problems and some painful moments in their life.
In life we can not choose what life gives us, only how we react. It is our reactions that define us.
The truth is, life can be pretty hard sometimes....

I have had my share of trials. The past two years have been especially difficult.

But I wouldn't change that. The Lord uses these moments to mold us and to create within us who He knows we can be. I still love the analogy of river rocks.

The trials and tests push you to the limits. It stretches your faith almost to breaking. It tears you down but only to have the Lord build you right back up. The Lord is awesome at that! How thankful I am for rebuilding!

I have been asked why the Lord allows such painful and horrible things to happen to us. Why my faith remains so strong in the face of such heart ache. I will tell you.

I was a luke warm follower for a very long time. One foot on the alter, the other at the door. Knowing Jesus and following Jesus are different things.
I never gave Him my life. I never gave Him anything.... However, I was happy to demand everything. I thought I was a Christian and claimed to be. Then things started to change...

In the middle of our secondary infertility and in the heartache of my miscarriages I heard the Lord whisper to me. Calling me to Him.
Do you still love me? Will you still follow me if you do not get pregnant?
Saying yes to that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. However, not to long after, I did get pregnant with Max.
Will you still love me and follow me if I take this precious baby to come home to be with me?
NO! NO! You can not take this baby from me. Not another one. I want this baby to be here on earth. I want this one to come home. I want...I want....
With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I answered yes Lord.
Max did go to be with the Lord and I had never know such pain nor such peace.

With the failing economy crumbling around us, with jobs and incomes lost. With hopes, homes, and dreams shattered. I once again heard Him calling.
Will you still love and follow me if you have nothing but me?
Looking into heaven and begging to see the path He had chosen and to see the purpose in all the loss, I kneeled and said yes Lord.
We did lose everything, and for the first time I knew what it was like to be completely sustained by Him alone.

With sweet Ej in my belly growing and thriving, despite our preterm labor and complications, I started to breathe again.

Once more , though, the Lord is calling.

Will you still love me and follow me? Will I still be your God? Will you still walk in faith if I ask EJ to be placed on the alter. If it is not my will for Ej to be healed on this side of eternity?
And friends, with faith and courage, I whisper YES Lord.

Yes Lord, YOU are my king, my Savior, no matter what! No matter what. My faith is no longer something I say but something I walk. I no longer expect for my wants and desires to be met. For when you let the Lord lead you, when you let Him work in your life, there might be will be pain. However, the reward, the beauty, the joy, the hope, the promise, the peace, is so much more than you can ever even imagine. If it takes the pain to have the joy, if it takes the pain to know the arms of Jesus, then yes Lord. I will take it all.

We were never promised an easy path. We were never promised smooth sailing. In fact the scripture promises the opposite. However, we were promised that we would never go alone. Jesus is there to carry, to comfort, to save. Jesus is always there...no matter what. The farther you lean, the stronger his grasp. He will never let you go.

So no matter what heart ache you have, no matter what path you are traveling, know this. The Lord our God has traveled it far in advance. He is waiting for you with outstretched arms. Just jump, lean, and give the pain to Him. The comfort and peace of Jesus is all encompassing and breathe taking. And.... it is yours.....

To read another story of sweet surrender and of answering yes lord! go here.