At the end of the day there are no paychecks, no award of merit, no praise, no validation for my worth. No physical showing of all my hard work. I have been feeling defeated and overall worthless. I KNOW this isn't the case, but I felt it none the less.
I feel stuck. Immobilized by my current life. I feel like I am in a rut that I just can't shake.
The Lord has been calling me, whispering to me, filling my heart with all the possibilities of how I could serve. The homeless, the elderly, the young, the ill. YES LORD!! I answered. I want to tackle it all. I was so filled by all the promise, all the hope, all the excitement of what was on the horizon. I couldn't wait to dive into the trenches and serve.
Then life happened. It smacked me in the face and told me to be still.
The reality is, that I haven't once been with out a baby on my hip since having Easton. Literally.
I have to be very careful where he goes and who he is around due to him being immune compromised. This means no church nursery, no childcare. With Adam's crazy work schedule, we never know his hours ahead of time.
No bible study, no date night, no way for me to work out of the home if need be. Not that I want to work out of the home, I don't. I love being with my children and thank God that I am at home as I prayed for this for years. But, if it came down to it, I can't do more. I have to sit this fight out. I have to back up and be still.
It is pretty hard to walk in the trenches with two little ones under foot....
And so it began. Slowly at first, then more prevalent. The doubt, the feeling of not being enough. Not doing enough. What am I, who am I? What now Lord?
Then in a moment of surrender he led me to the sweetest verse that He has ever shown me. I love our God. I love how tender, how gentle He can be when I need it most.
He started to show me, to whisper once more, to fill my heart. He started to give me hope and a new way to serve. He showed me how I can indeed be His hands and feet. Once again I was excited, filled with promise. Filled with a new anticipation of His work.
He really is amazing...
"A wise woman builds her home" Proverbs 14:1
For so long I thought I needed to do so much, to show, to prove, to validate.
God knows my heart. God loves me even when I don't love myself.
He never fails me.
So now I know. I am happy and at peace. There will be a time for trench work, but right now, right here, I have two beautiful boys and a wonderful man who I can serve fully.
If I can't be God's servant here, how would I ever be successful out there?
So I am on a new mission. One of demonstrating God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and peace to the people who matter most to me. To show them the way.
It made me realize how much work I really have here at home. How much healing is really needed. Thing's, people, I had neglected. Painful places, and hurtful things. There is so much right here.
Thank you God for showing me. Thank you for always knowing what we need....
And just for a great laugh at my expense (you're welcome), I will include picture evidence of one of my first new tasks.
Austin has been begging me to make him a pet deer ever since I got my sewing machine last month. Well, friends, I take my job seriously these days and lets just say it was made with love.
Meet Flea, the
He loves her, and she was definitely made with love.
So aside from needing some serious sewing lessons, I am loving my new role! Thank God for His mercy!