redeemed and reborn. Amazing what nine months can do.

Nine months. I have been a single mom for nine extremely long months. Hard months. Breaking months. Building, humbling months. Months of me surviving and failing. Hard, hard months. The physical and emotional difficulties of being a single mom to three boys is indescribable. It is absolutely maddening and shattering. Some of it has been hell on earth for me. Honestly. But some of it? Some of it has been God breathed grace. God given strength and peace beyond belief. And learning and growing and a lot, a lot of refining.

Refining hurts. Big time.

God has shown me so much about myself in the last nine months. Like my very own rebirth, I am finally coming through this new. Changed. I am no longer blinded to the fact that I am terribly far from the person God wants me to be. The wife God wants me to be. And most especially the mother I am suppose to be. The friend and servant I am suppose to be. In pretty much every area. And that hurts to realize but it is also wonderful. Because I want to be better. And I am working on it and God has shown me things I never knew about myself or about Him. He has taught me much in these nine months. And I am so thankful.

And now I get to put them to practice.

Adam and I are back together and are committed to making our marriage work. We aren't living together again yet but can't wait to actually make that part final. My lease is up end of January so we will be moving then.

I didn't blog much about our separation and that was intentional. But I want to say this, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can't be redeemed. When we first separated I gave our marriage to God and asked Him to protect it, rebuild it, redeem it. And He has. To watch everything unfold has been incredible. If we are willing, truly willing, to let God restore an area of our lives, I believe HE will. And He has in my marriage. And He has is in my life.

Refining is painful sometimes beyond words, but I stay true to my belief in river rocks. It takes such a force, such bumps and scrapes, to make us smooth and more like Jesus. So here I am. I have a long ways to go, we have a long way to go, but I am ready. Whatever it takes.

Thank you all for walking this journey with me and being so very supportive. It simply means the world.

I feel like after being told for years to "be still", I am finally, finally being told "it is time, my child, it is time". And I am so ready.

the gift

It is quiet here this afternoon. Adam came just around 1 and picked up EJ so that he could enjoy the rest of the day with his big bro and his daddy. It is Adam's day with the boys and there are so many things wrong with that statement but I can't even wrap my head around them all. Adam has to have a day because he is not here. He is missing it. The day to day snuggles and kisses and tantrums. The smiles, the tears, the laughter. All of it.

Too many thoughts have been let to wander to what has been, what could have been, what is to come. And what I need to realize is the now.
In the words of  my favorite turtle from Kung Fu Panda, "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the Present."
True words indeed, even though they came from an animated cartoon character.

I just feel out of sorts today. Could be due to the steroids I am on for my asthma, but a lot of it is the fact that I don't like being alone. I don't know how to do it. I hate the nights that Austin spends the night at Adam's place and I hate the days he has both boys. I don't like being away from them and I just feel worthless without them here. I know that probably sounds crazy to some, maybe most people. But it is my reality. I don't mind the extra work of being a single mom and in fact, I am doing really well with it. But on the days that it is just me, well not so much. I should be steam cleaning my carpets or going grocery shopping, but I am on here typing instead. It is almost as if my boys keep me afloat and give me meaning. They give me breath and courage. They make me, me. And I am so blessed and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the enormous blessing that they are to me. I need them as much, if not more, than they need me.

When I walk around the corner, just out of sight of EJ, he always calls "Mommmmmyyyyyyyyy" in the sweetest most melt-your-heart voice imaginable.
Some people are not born mothers but I am. There is nothing I cherish more than being called "Mommy".

On the other hand, I need to let the Lord minister to me in these quiet moments where I find myself alone. I need to let Him fill the void and let Him be enough. If we all truly allowed our Savior to be ENOUGH and to fill every void and emptiness in our lives, think how different this world would be. Everything would be different. I would be totally different.

It is no secret that I struggle with anxiety and worry and it is more apparent now than ever before. His peace is something I get to feel on a daily basis and it takes my breathe away. But in some moments, like now, I do not always accept His sweet gift and instead I wallow in the overwhelming.

So I breathe, focus on Him, focus on the moment, and let the stress slip away. The tears come as they often do, and I surrender again. And again. And again.
I lean in to the One who calls me by name and knew me before I was created. The one who will never let me fall and will never walk away.

And as I type, sweet little Elias is kicking away inside and I can't help but smile. God's timing is always perfect isn't it? Oh how I am ever grateful to a Lord who knows me better than I even know myself....

Life is a hard road and I am right smack in the middle of the mud. But it won't always be like this and I know that. I can see the sun and feel the warmth even now. The hope that is tomorrow, but the gift that is today.

what it means to be alone (a post I never thought I'd have to write)

Sitting in a darkened quiet apartment is as strange of a circumstance to me as trying to decipher a foreign language. Only now, I have no translation dictionary to help me stumble through this place. I have no road map when my feet have no direction and I certainly do not have a compass. I am alone in this place and I am lost. And I have lost. I have lost so very much that frankly I am tired of the upward climb. I am weary of fighting through the storms to see the clearer skies. The see the dawn emerge behind the black. I am weary and tonight I am broken. 

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

Tonight marks my first night as a single mother to three beautiful boys. Tonight I am the sole guardian of my precious little ones. Tonight I stand alone before the Lord praying for mercy and praising the One who is still God despite my circumstance. Tonight I cling desperately to the promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because it is all I can do to breathe. 

I seek His arms strength once more as He carries me through the depths of this sinful word. 

The fact is, is that we can not choose what this life gives us. We can only chose how we react to such things. We can waste away in defeat or we can collapse before a God who can handle it. A God who has gone before and a God who is faithful. He promised us a difficult path in life as I have seen over and over but I also know He truly never leaves us during the worst of it. He alone can calm the storm. He alone can walk on top of the crashing waves. He alone can sustain us. He alone.

So where do I go from here? My marriage is over, our family torn apart, my heart is broken, and the enemy is whispering lies into this quiet darkness. Where do I turn? I turn my gaze upward and I know. Although the weight of this pain is crushing and the loneliness is sure to settle deeply, I can know with out hesitation that my God is not far, that He hears my cries, that He will bring glory from this if I allow Him to. I know the Truth come what may. 

So I say into this quiet emptyness, I am not alone. For my hope rests not with man. My hope rests not in this world. My Hope is in Him and in Him alone. 

I should apologize for the depth of this post but I am not going to. This is my heart tonight as I face the uncertainty of what is to come. Life has crashed around me so very unexpectantly and I have been left reeling. I have put on a brave face all day for my sweet boys. Austin came to me in tears this evening sharing his feelings. I can comfort and hug but I cant fulfill every question he has. Unfortunately there is no answer for why families fall apart and why a daddy leaves. This is never what I would have chosen for us, for them. I would do anything, give anything, if I could just shelter them from all of this. 

I am not 100% on what will unfold in the coming months but I am working on a plan and I ask for your prayers for what is to come. Most importantly I ask your prayers for Austin and EJ. To surround them and protect them as much as possible from this. I truly believe divorce is never God's plan but I know He will see us through this. Things will never be the same, we will never be the same, but maybe just maybe The Creator can rebuild us even more brilliantly. Maybe just maybe The Potter can mold us into an image even more like Himself.