It is quiet here this afternoon. Adam came just around 1 and picked up EJ so that he could enjoy the rest of the day with his big bro and his daddy. It is Adam's day with the boys and there are so many things wrong with that statement but I can't even wrap my head around them all. Adam has to have a day because he is not here. He is missing it. The day to day snuggles and kisses and tantrums. The smiles, the tears, the laughter. All of it.
Too many thoughts have been let to wander to what has been, what could have been, what is to come. And what I need to realize is the now.
In the words of my favorite turtle from Kung Fu Panda, "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the Present."
True words indeed, even though they came from an animated cartoon character.
I just feel out of sorts today. Could be due to the steroids I am on for my asthma, but a lot of it is the fact that I don't like being alone. I don't know how to do it. I hate the nights that Austin spends the night at Adam's place and I hate the days he has both boys. I don't like being away from them and I just feel worthless without them here. I know that probably sounds crazy to some, maybe most people. But it is my reality. I don't mind the extra work of being a single mom and in fact, I am doing really well with it. But on the days that it is just me, well not so much. I should be steam cleaning my carpets or going grocery shopping, but I am on here typing instead. It is almost as if my boys keep me afloat and give me meaning. They give me breath and courage. They make me, me. And I am so blessed and so overwhelmed with gratitude for the enormous blessing that they are to me. I need them as much, if not more, than they need me.
When I walk around the corner, just out of sight of EJ, he always calls "Mommmmmyyyyyyyyy" in the sweetest most melt-your-heart voice imaginable.
Some people are not born mothers but I am. There is nothing I cherish more than being called "Mommy".
On the other hand, I need to let the Lord minister to me in these quiet moments where I find myself alone. I need to let Him fill the void and let Him be enough. If we all truly allowed our Savior to be ENOUGH and to fill every void and emptiness in our lives, think how different this world would be. Everything would be different. I would be totally different.
It is no secret that I struggle with anxiety and worry and it is more apparent now than ever before. His peace is something I get to feel on a daily basis and it takes my breathe away. But in some moments, like now, I do not always accept His sweet gift and instead I wallow in the overwhelming.
So I breathe, focus on Him, focus on the moment, and let the stress slip away. The tears come as they often do, and I surrender again. And again. And again.
I lean in to the One who calls me by name and knew me before I was created. The one who will never let me fall and will never walk away.
And as I type, sweet little Elias is kicking away inside and I can't help but smile. God's timing is always perfect isn't it? Oh how I am ever grateful to a Lord who knows me better than I even know myself....
Life is a hard road and I am right smack in the middle of the mud. But it won't always be like this and I know that. I can see the sun and feel the warmth even now. The hope that is tomorrow, but the gift that is today.