Thursday, March 10, 2011

what it means to be alone (a post I never thought I'd have to write)

Sitting in a darkened quiet apartment is as strange of a circumstance to me as trying to decipher a foreign language. Only now, I have no translation dictionary to help me stumble through this place. I have no road map when my feet have no direction and I certainly do not have a compass. I am alone in this place and I am lost. And I have lost. I have lost so very much that frankly I am tired of the upward climb. I am weary of fighting through the storms to see the clearer skies. The see the dawn emerge behind the black. I am weary and tonight I am broken. 

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

Tonight marks my first night as a single mother to three beautiful boys. Tonight I am the sole guardian of my precious little ones. Tonight I stand alone before the Lord praying for mercy and praising the One who is still God despite my circumstance. Tonight I cling desperately to the promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, because it is all I can do to breathe. 
I seek His arms strength once more as He carries me through the depths of this sinful word. 

The fact is, is that we can not choose what this life gives us. We can only chose how we react to such things. We can waste away in defeat or we can collapse before a God who can handle it. A God who has gone before and a God who is faithful. He promised us a difficult path in life as I have seen over and over but I also know He truly never leaves us during the worst of it. He alone can calm the storm. He alone can walk on top of the crashing waves. He alone can sustain us. He alone.

So where do I go from here? My marriage is over, our family torn apart, my heart is broken, and the enemy is whispering lies into this quiet darkness. Where do I turn? I turn my gaze upward and I know. Although the weight of this pain is crushing and the loneliness is sure to settle deeply, I can know with out hesitation that my God is not far, that He hears my cries, that He will bring glory from this if I allow Him to. I know the Truth come what may. 

So I say into this quiet emptyness, I am not alone. For my hope rests not with man. My hope rests not in this world. My Hope is in Him and in Him alone. 

I should apologize for the depth of this post but I am not going to. This is my heart tonight as I face the uncertainty of what is to come. Life has crashed around me so very unexpectantly and I have been left reeling. I have put on a brave face all day for my sweet boys. Austin came to me in tears this evening sharing his feelings. I can comfort and hug but I cant fulfill every question he has. Unfortunately there is no answer for why families fall apart and why a daddy leaves. This is never what I would have chosen for us, for them. I would do anything, give anything, if I could just shelter them from all of this. 

I am not 100% on what will unfold in the coming months but I am working on a plan and I ask for your prayers for what is to come. Most importantly I ask your prayers for Austin and EJ. To surround them and protect them as much as possible from this. I truly believe divorce is never God's plan but I know He will see us through this. Things will never be the same, we will never be the same, but maybe just maybe The Creator can rebuild us even more brilliantly. Maybe just maybe The Potter can mold us into an image even more like Himself. 

16 comments:

mytwomonkeys said...

oh Elle. I send you all my love and prayers. I wish we were closer so I could physically be there for you, but please know I will be praying for you and your precious boys. (((hugs)))

Sara from iVill.

Anna White said...

Oh Elle, I know that you have the strength and the faith to get through this..you have endured so much yet have always seen the good in every bad situation. And those times when you feel completely lost...in despair..that is when you need to turn to your two beautiful boys and let the love they have for you ...be the strength that will get you through this..because YOU WILL get through this...and everything will be ok in your world again.

Sending you all my love and positive light sweetheart...there are so many holding your heart and hands right now..even though we cant be there with you in the flesh...know that we are there for you in spirit..and I hope you can feel that. Much Love , Anna x

Liesl @ FabulousFashions4SensibleStyle said...

I found you through the lovely Anna and I really wanted to stop by and send you some positive thoughts and lots and lots of extra smiles! :) :) :)

I can only imagine how difficult this must be and how it must feel like a time of darkness, but I truly hope each day brings a little more sunshine into your life and heart and that I just know that you will get through this!

I realize we don't know each other, but I was touched by your situation and feel that writing can be so therapeutic for so many...so keep letting your feelings out and know that I am more than happy to listen through them!

Keep your head up and know that a rainbow is on the other end somewhere waiting for you! :)

Liesl :)

Jess said...

I am so sorry Elle... I don't even know what to say, this must be incredibly difficult and painful :( I'll be praying for your spirit, your situation, and your boys. God is good and I know he will see you through this!

Just Martha said...

Be sad. Sad for what was. Sad for what is and sad for what will never be. Take this time. as much as you need. Soon you will be able to take a deep breath, square your shoulders and continue. But not yet. Now, take time for you....

Krista said...

Martha said it perfectly. Grieve during this time. God never asked us not to grieve, but to have Him near us while we do that grieving. You and your boys are near my heart in my prayers, Elle. <3

ShabbilyByTheSea said...

I am so sorry this happened to you and your precious boys xxx

Faith is a wonderful thing and it is good to know he will never leave us in our hour of need.

Let the tears flow from your eyes sweet one it is good to cry it simply means you are having a break from being strong....you will be back when you are ready,there are no rules,no time limits,take your time,talk to friends and loved ones,hug your boys and no that you can always come here to your Blog for love and support,
Love to you Kristina xxx

Lisa said...

This is the first time I've visited here. I've come from Anna's blog. Sending lots of hugs to you and yours.

Lisa xx

Wendi@EveryDayMiracles said...

Elle -

My heart aches deeply with you.

I am so glad that you know you have to cling deeply to your comforting Heavenly Father.

Please know you are in my prayers!

Erin said...

(((Elle)))
I am so sorry.

Melissa said...

I am sending you ((hugs)) and strength to get through this terribly difficult time. You're in my thoughts.

Doodle - said...

Oh Elle,

My heart just aches for you. I am so very very sorry. I don't need to tell you that you ALL are in my prayers, but I will for formalities.

The one thought that kept entering my head was that although you are torn down beyond any comprehension, you will be built up again. And you will be better for it. Don't let this drag you under. I am here for you anytime you need. Please call on my ear.

Much love!

Anne

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

oh Elle. I am so sorry. I am praying for you and your sweet boys.
-Jenni

prayers4z said...

Elle sweetie, I am SO very sorry. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers! xoxo

Christi said...

Elle - my eyes well up with tears for you and your precious boys. Life is so unfair and tough. I'm so sorry you have to go through a divorce. God's grace is sufficient and he will hold you in his loving arms and give you the strength you don't have to bear it all. But I know that doesn't mean it will be easy. I'm a child of divorce and though it deeply affected me, I also feel that God brought so many wonderful things out of it and into my life that wouldn't have been there otherwise. He loves you and your boys and wants so many wonderful things for you...hold tight to him and know there are brighter days ahead for all of you. Sending prayers up for you all!

Tara said...

Elle - I don't know you personally, but I do visit your blog from time to time... being a mama is such a tough job already, nevermind being a single mama. My heart goes out to you! You and your family will be in my prayers! Keep your eyes fixed on God, trust in Him, let Him mend your broken heart, and let Him work miracles in you and your life... you are never alone! ((hugs))

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