Monday, July 20, 2009

tonight, I'm tired

I am so tired. So tired of all this financial stress.
All I want is a decent life for my family, for my children.
I want what everyone wants. A home, plenty of food in the fridge, toys for my children, clothes, ect.
I do not ask for much. I do not ask for the "nicest" or the "best".

All I want is a nice life.

And I am tired of feeling guilty for that. I am tired of struggling so hard for that. I am tired of worrying about whether or not we are going to make it every month. Where the money will come from, because we don't have enough.

I am so tired.

I do not understand why this is so difficult. How we could go from so much, to nothing, over night. How my life has flipped upside down, and I can't seem to land on my feet. How we are about to hit rock bottom, very rock bottom, and how we just can't catch a break.

We are good people. Intelligent, capable, hardworking people.

This is not suppose to happen to us.

I am tired of worrying about being homless. That is not something we should have to be facing.
And sadly, unless something changes, that is exactly what will happen.

You can't pay rent with no money. You can't buy food with no money. You certainly can not buy toys or clothes with no money.

The end of the rope is approaching and I am praying the Lord steps in soon. I have faith, but I also see the reality. It is hard to miss.

People say that we are all one step away from poverty. They are right.

We did everything like we were suppose to. We had more than three months worth of income in savings. Besides our car, we had zero debt. We lived within our means. We had just gotten a home. A baby. Things were great. Then, our world came crashing down. Frankly, I am not okay with that. I do not find complete peace in the Lord right now. I do not rest easy.
I worry. Constantly.

I am not perfect and I am no longer going to feel guilty for wanting more than this. If I told you I am okay with all this, that I am fine as long as God has a plan, I would be lying. I want to be, I truly do, but I am not. Who would be?

I think of all the homeless. All the other countries where poverty is devastating. I think of that, and it makes me sick.

In this world there is no reason for that at all. And to think how close we are to that. It takes my breathe away.

I hate that this is the truth for us right now. I hate it. I hate that I can't write about fun vacations, or the greatest sale, or cutest outfit. That I can't write about how fall will be here very soon, and then the holidays. How great that will be. I can't write about any of that. I don't even know how long we will have a roof over our heads.

I want my old life back.

I know this is depressing and no one wants to read this. But I don't want to live it. I wish I had better news. Oh how I wish.

So we work as hard as we can. We pray as hard as we can. And somehow, someway, we just have to get through this.

Lord please, I beg you, don't let us go down this path any more. Please don't have this be your plan.


Jess said...

Elle, I'm just catching up with you heart is so heavy for you. I can't imagine what this season must be like, but I will definitely be keeping you in my prayers. Your family is so beautiful and I'm certain God has great things planned. I understand, though, that it's not easy to feel so sure of that when you're going through so much.


Doodle - said...


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